Blessed

** Blessed are the Internet junkies, for their time shalt be a net loss.

** Blessed are those who build bridges, for they shalt get over it.

** Blessed are those who recycle motor oil, for they shall be refined.

** Blessed is the TV weatherman, for he shall talk up a storm.

** Blessed are the undertakers, for they shall be the last to let you down.

** Blessed are they who knit their own hosiery, for they shall not get a run for their money.

** Blessed are the auctioneers, for they shall look forbidding.

** Blessed are the breadmakers, for they shall rise to the occasion.

** Blessed are the nuns, for they shall have no bad habits.

** Blessed are those who stop horseback riding, for they shall be full of woe.

** Blessed are the thrifty deer hunters, for they shall get more bang for their buck.

** Blessed are the ministers who make mistakes, for it shall only be a clerical error.

** Blessed are the unionized church workers, for they shall bargain in good faith.

** Blessed are the watchmakers, for they shall work overtime.

** Blessed are the religious nuclear engineers, for they shall have critical mass.

** Blessed are students in Christian schools, for they shall have good Principals.

** Blessed are the poor losers, for they shall continue to diet.

** Blessed are those who are multi-lingual, for they shall be misunderstood in many languages.

** Blessed are those who are in medical school, for they shall become ill-literate.

** Blessed are the unemployed jesters, for they shall be nobody's fool.

** Blessed are the drama students, for they shall be a class act.

** Blessed are the bridesmaids, for they shall be wedding belles.

** Blessed are the landscapers, for they shall be bushed.

** Blessed are the gymnasts, for they shall always do good turns.

** Blessed are they who do the ironing, for they shall not be depressed.

** Blessed are the orchard growers, for their work shall not be fruitless.

** Blessed are they who avoid their in-laws, for they shall not be relatively annoyed.

** Blessed are the candy-makers, for they shall make a mint.

** Blessed are they who process lettuce, for they shall see the tip of the iceberg.

** Blessed are they who own horses, for they shall have stability.

** Blessed are they who play tennis, for love means nothing to them.

** Blessed are they that wrap leftovers, for they shall be foiled again.

** Blessed are the fishermen, for they shall have net income.

** Blessed are the musicians, for they shall be noteworthy.

** Blessed are those who are tailors, for they shall be suited for it.

** Blessed are those who drink orange juice, for they shall be able to concentrate.

** Blessed is he who attends church at more than one denomination, for he shall be bi-sectual.

** Blessed is he who stops smoking, for he shall be a quitter.

** Blessed is he who has a word processor, for his words shall be minced.

** Blessed are those who watch the stars, for their work shall be astronomical.

** Blessed are those who make perfect bread, for they shall be a good roll model.

** Blessed are they who make it through April, for they shall be in dismay.

** Blessed is he who plows in a straight furrow, for he shall be in a rut.

** Blessed are they who give hugs; for they are truly appreciated (more than they'll ever know).

** Blessed are they who have cellular phones, for they shall receive the call wherever they are.

** Blessed are those who turn off their cellular phones, for they shall have peace.

** Blessed are those who refrain from alcohol, for they shall remain sober.

** Blessed are those who laugh often, for they shall have strong funnybones.

** Blessed are those who speak as lawyers, for they shall be brief.

** Blessed are those who meet their mate on the internet, for it shall be love at first site.

** Blessed are the piemakers, for they shall generate fellowship. 

** Blessed are those who attend church regularly, for they shall be pewed.

Great Singles Ad

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (xxx) xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

Diet Chicken

The Great General And His Trusty Horse, Traveller

Polite Atheist???

Public Nudity

This sight greeted people at a casino in Lake Charles, Louisiana last weekend:

Weight Loss Tips

Big City Lawyer Goes Duck Hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart and vengeful will, managed to get to his feet, and said, "Okay, you old coot; now it's my turn."

The geezer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Pastor and Parishioner

The Sunday morning service had ended, and the pastor was greeting parishioners as they were leaving. Everyone was friendly as they greeted him, but no one said anything about the sermon.

The pastor was getting a little concerned about that until someone said, "Oh, pastor, your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

A little puzzled, the pastor asked him to explain what he meant.

The parishioner explained. "Well, pastor, that sermon reminded me of the peace of God because it passed all understanding. And it reminded me of the love of God because it endured forever."

Redneck Produce Stand

Stand For Your Beliefs

Funny Text

Numbers 6:24-26

Weight Watcher Utensils

Don't Be Racist!

Photo Comment Dump 7AUG15

Giant Silverware

It Do

Grass Scarecrow

No God But Jesus

Man Boobs

Real Gangsters

Signs You Might Be From Louisiana

The crawdad mounds in your front yard have over taken the grass.

You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"

Every so often, you have waterfront property.

When giving directions, you use words like "uptown," "downtown," "backatown," "riverside," "lakeside," "other side of the bayou," or "other side of the levee."

When you refer to a geographical location "way up North," you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock, or Memphis, "where it gets real cold."

You've ever had Community Coffee.

You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya).

You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.

You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used.

The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy "dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad.

You know the definition of "dressed."

You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's, and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.

The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, Crab, and King Cake.

You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.

You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something."

You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.

You believe that purple, green, and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors).

You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people would refer to as a windbreaker) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras
beads.

Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.

You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs.

You describe a color as "K&B Purple."

You like your rice and politics dirty.

You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins."

A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was palmettos or those little ones that go after the french fries that fell under the seat.

You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.

You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard.

You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana.

Texas Jokes

The Sin

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS! AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."